Life with Talitha: How would our families feel?

Life with Talitha -- Part 3

I promised a series of thoughts and stories about our becoming a multi-racial family. I am going to do that, Lord willing. But the holidays are here. So I'm going to pick up the series in a few weeks.

In the meantime, today I'll combine a bit of the holidays and "Life with Talitha." Today I am filled with thanksgiving for our extended families.

Quite some time before Talitha, I wrote to my father wondering about maybe adopting from Asia. Daddy assured us that he would welcome any child of ours. But he discouraged us because he wasn't sure how some of the extended family of his generation might react. (Daddy hasn't met Talitha yet, because he was already with his Lord when she was born).

When we told Johnny's dad that we were going to adopt an African-American daughter, he was hesitant for several reasons. But he was content to wait and see how God led us.

So how did our families respond to Talitha?

1. I've already written about my Mother's enthusiastic welcome.

2. Our fair-skinned, redheaded, 7-year-old nephew, Luke, was adopted in America and raised in Africa. When he got the news by email, he said, "Cool! We could use a little more color in the family."

3. When Talitha met Johnny's dad, she was in one of those shy-baby-no-strangers stages. Despite that, she lunged from Johnny's arms into her Opa's arms. And Opa just laughed.

4. At my family's reunion--with my siblings, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, and cousins by the dozens--the squealing, cooing, caressing, and head-patting was the same as for every new addition to the family. Neither then nor in the years since have I seen a hint that anyone has a problem with our adoption. And considering how sensitive my antennae were back then, I'm pretty sure I would have noticed.

And so I say to God as I have said hundreds of times for thousands of reasons, "Thank you for our families."

Talitha and her Opa (above). Piper reunion (below).

Noel's Easy Cranberry Relish

The rest of the family prefers canned, jellied cranberry sauce. And so did I, and I really didn't care for the canned whole-berry relish. That was until I tasted a version of the relish in this recipe. I have to keep myself from spooning it out and eating it up ahead of time.

1 c honey

1 whole orange (peel and all), cut into quarters, seeds removed

1 12-oz. bag fresh cranberries

Put it all in blender in the order listed and pulse till it's ground, but not pureed.

Refrigerate and don't eat it up before Thanksgiving dinner.

That's it!

"Boy, am I steamed!" . . .

. . . reports the Pipers' 24.43-lb. turkey, which is the oven this very moment.

Right. It's Friday before Thanksgiving, and the turkey is cooking right now. I don't think any cook would say it's roasting. It's more like steaming.

Lynn Rosetto Casper, of public radio's Splendid Table has her annual "Turkey Confidential" program on Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving?! Who has time to listen on Thanksgiving? And if I didn't already have a pretty good idea what to do with my turkey, a program 11 am to 2 pm would be way too late for me.

Maybe there's someone else who cooks the turkey the way I do, but I've never heard of it. Here's how it evolved over 40 years of Thanksgiving in my kitchen.

1. I decided not to serve any more undercooked or overcooked, dried out turkey.

2. There's only so much space in the oven, and the turkey's not the only thing to be cooked for dinner.

3. I got tired of all the other food fading to room temperature while I wrestled with cutting up the bird.

4. I have way better things to do after dinner than picking over a turkey carcass.

5. No Piper male was ever excited at the role of carving a beautifully browned bird at the table.

So, here's the evolution so far of Piper Thanksgiving Turkey:

1. Thaw the turkey according to packaging instructions.

2. Optional: Remove as much of the skin as you can. Do you remove the skin before you cook chicken parts? If so, just peek at how much fat is hiding under the turkey's skin. Unbelievable. I trim away as much of that as I can too. Hot running water rinses some of it away.

3. Rinse the turkey well, inside and out.

4. Place the turkey, breast down, in the roasting pan. This is upside down from the traditional drumsticks-pointing-up position, but it lets the moisture from the dark meat cook down into the less-moist white meat.

5. Pour water into the pan, about 1 inch deep.

6. Cover well, with roaster pan lid or foil.

7. Bake according to the temperature and time on your turkey's packaging.

8. It's done when the wings or drumsticks start to hang loose from the body. (Or you can use a meat thermometer).

9. Let the whole thing cool enough to handle.

10. Then take the meat from the bones and put it in a sealable plastic container. You can choose whether to slice it now, or just store it in whatever size chunks you get.

11. Pour over the meat as much of the pan liquid as the container can hold.

12. Refrigerate, if it's only 1-2 days ahead of your meal. Otherwise, freeze it. Also save the rest of the pan liquid to use later for gravy or soup.

13. If frozen, defrost the day before the meal.

14. On Thanksgiving, microwave the meat in the liquid in a covered container. I usually use a slightly lower power setting, maybe 70-80%. If the meat is packed pretty tightly into the plastic container, it will be good to loosen it up, maybe by separating into 2-3 microwavable containers. That way you can heat just what you need, one platters' worth at a time.

Bon appetit!

By popular demand: Noel's Spaghetti

You can this and other

Piper family recipes in

Treasuring God in Our Traditions.

Noël’s Spaghetti

This is a family favorite, the choice for most birthday dinners, and a perfect make-ahead. I make a huge batch—for about 15 adults. The recipe can easily be cut into thirds.

• 3 pounds ground meat (beef or turkey or combination with Italian Sausage)
• 1 tsp black pepper
• 1 T whole oregano
• 1 T basil
• 1 T garlic powder
• 2-3 bay leaves
• 2 T salt
• 2 T Worcestershire Sauce (if you have it)
• 3 T dried parsley
• 1 large onion (or 1/3 cup dry onion flakes)
• 6-10 drops Tabasco Sauce (optional. Doesn’t make it hot, just gives a slight zing)
• Institutional size can Tomato sauce (or six-seven 15-oz cans / or combination of tomato sauce & canned tomatoes)

Brown meat. Drain well. Stir in flavorings. Add tomato sauce. Simmer at least ½ hour.

For freezing ahead: Often I freeze the cooked meat/spices combination and then when I'm ready to use it, thaw and add the tomatoes. Takes up lots less space in the freezer than sauce.

Noël’s secret to non-sticky pasta.

(And you can make it the day before. )

(Pasta purists, just look the other way.)

• Cook pasta until done, but not overdone.
• Strain off hot water.
• Immediately rinse with cold water until noodles are cold, and strain off the water.
• With hands, mix in oil to coat all the pasta. (about 2-3 T per pound)
• Cover well until ready to use.
• Heat in microwave.
  

Watchfulness

Talitha and the comforter I made from Asian batik material

Life with Talitha -- Part 2

In the first weeks or months of Talitha's being part of our family, I found myself being very watchful in two different directions.

1. I was watching Johnny to see if Talitha was as much his daughter as mine. When the idea of adoption had first come up in our family, I was ready to do it and Johnny was more hesitant. Then came the day when adoption was no longer just an idea, because there was an invitation to adopt one particular little girl. We spent time then, praying and seeking counsel.

Then Johnny said Yes, and Talitha became our daughter.

Despite his earlier hesitation, I didn't think his Yes was just to please me, but I needed to be sure. I found myself watching how he acted with her, especially when it wasn't just fun playtime. When she cried at night or had a messy diaper--in other words, when parenting hit its normal rough spots--did he expect me to be the one who should care for her because this was somehow my "project?"

I never saw any such attitude, and haven't until this day. When he said Yes, we said yes wholeheartedly together. Talitha is our daughter.

2. Now we were white parents with a black child. For a while, when I was out in public, I was hyper-aware of people's responses to seeing us. I imagined hundreds of eyes on us. Did they disapprove? Do they think I'm taking good enough care of her?

It seemed a lot of people stared at us more than they would have in our pre-Talitha days. But what I came to realize was this: I stare at cute babies too. Staring doesn't have to mean disapproval.

And what about stranger's comments? In general, white people didn't say anything. More often, a comment would come from an African-American. And it was likely to be something like, "What a beautiful baby!" which I came to hear as implicit approval.

I don't assume that everyone thought it was proper for a white woman to have a black baby, but none of them ever made themselves known.

After a while, I relaxed. I was me and this was my daughter.

Part 3

One time, a long time ago . . .

Life with Talitha -- part 1

Talitha has “always” known she’s adopted. It’s the story she asked for and listened to more often than any other.

Well, Talitha . . .

One time there was a little girl named Noël and a little boy named Johnny. They grew up and got married. They loved each other and hoped that God would give them children someday.

And he did. First, they had a round, blond boy named Karsten. Then they had another round, blond boy named Benjamin. Then came another round, blond boy named Abraham. And finally came the roundest, blondest of all, Barnabas. Sometimes their daddy called them the cookie-cutter kids.

Johnny and Noël said to God, “Father, You are the one who makes families. Thank you so much for our boys. We can’t imagine life without them. You have been very kind to us. So we don’t want to be greedy, but do you suppose there might also be a little girl for us?”

Time passed and the boys were getting older and there were no more babies. Noël said, “I guess the way we will get daughters is by our boys getting married and giving us daughters-in-law. . . . Or maybe someday a little girl will knock on my door and say, ‘Will you be my mother?’”

One sunny day in May, surrounded by green grass, young birches, and branches of lilac, Karsten married his sweetheart, Shelly. Johnny and Noël thanked God for their new daughter.

Just a few months later the phone rang. It was Johnny’s and Noël’s friend who worked at an adoption agency. She said, “There is a little girl born just a few days ago. I’ve been praying about what family God wants for her, and you keep coming to my mind. Would you please consider adopting her?”

Noël said, “This sounds like somebody knocking on my door and saying, ‘Will you be this little girl’s mother?’”

Johnny and Noël said, “Yes, we believe that God is adding this little girl to our family. She is Talitha Ruth.”

Finally the day came when their friend was bringing Talitha to them. They waited at church. And waited. And waited. Every time they heard the outside door open, they jumped up. Then one time it opened and around the corner came their friend—with Talitha.

She went first into Johnny’s arms. They touched her silky, black curls, and soft brown cheeks. She stared at them with her dark eyes and she smiled.

Then she burped. Barnabas laughed and laughed. And Abraham said, “Coo-uhl.”

Here, Talitha and I break into laughter, and that’s the end of the story.

Part 2

Our whole family

(You can find the beginning of our adoption story here.)

Part 17

When Talitha arrived, only Abraham and Barnabas were living at home. Karsten and his new wife, Shelly, lived in Boston. Benjamin was in Georgia.

So it was a sweet time a couple of weeks later when all us were together for the first time. That called for a photo.

Ah yes. Family group photos. My children roll their eyes when I say, "Hey! We're all here. Let's . . ." They interrupt, with less enthusiasm,". . . take a picture."

Those photos become more precious to me now that all our sons are married and scattered. The times when we're all in the same place at the same time become more and more rare.

Perhaps we don't recognize the full value of family photos until we have lost one of those family members. I had no way to know, for example, in 1970 that the snapshots during a picnic with my family were the last images of my 16-year-old brother, Benjamin. He died a few months later in a car crash.

Then, two years ago, we lost our granddaughter Felicity. She was stillborn and there never will be a photo of her being enfolded by all of us. So now our whole-family photos will never be completely whole.

Each photo is a record, a reminder, of the changes in a family. I'm thankful that many changes are happy ones. Right now, there are 2 grandchildren who aren't yet with us in a whole-family photo.

Well, here's our whole family the first time we were all together with Talitha Ruth.

I think this is a good place to end this series. But what do you think about a new series? The new one would be about becoming a multi-racial family (and maybe a little about adjusting to having a girl).

Announcing!

(You can find the beginning of our adoption story here.)

Part 16

By the time Talitha was in our arms, everyone at Bethlehem must have known she was coming. But still, we included this announcement in the Bethlehem Star, the church's weekly newsletter.

That's pretty good coverage in a newsletter that usually had one line of welcome for each new baby. But Johnny always wrote the article that filled the back page, and at the time, I was the Star editor. So we had an in.

If you click on the announcement, it will enlarge so you can see it more clearly. In the right hand photo, notice the dolly I made for Talitha before she came to us and their matching outfits.

(to be continued)

We meet Talitha Ruth Piper

(You can find the beginning of our adoption story here.)

Part 15

The friend who was bringing Talitha to Minneapolis preferred for families to meet their babies in the midst of prayer and thanksgiving at church, not in the busyness of an airport. And so we waited at Bethlehem that day, jumping each time we heard the outside entrance door open.

Finally, there she was. Our daughter. Abraham and Barnabas's sister. (Karsten and Benjamin's too, but they were out of state until a couple of weeks later).

After we filled ourselves up with the delight of holding her and of praying our first family prayer over her, we went upstairs where about 100 friends were waiting to meet her and to join us in a welcoming service and dedication prayer time.

As we walked into the room, we heard our friend Rod call out, "She has her daddy's curly hair!"

That very evening there happened to be a party of adoptive families across the street from our house, at Rod and Sonie's house. Rod and Sonie were the friends whose adoptions of a son and a daughter had started us down this path. Perhaps all those parents, more than any others, resonated with our joy that day.

(to be continued)

Part 16

Back-to-back birthdays

Yesterday we were on the phone with Grace, singing happy birthday. Grace is 4 now.

I love you, Grace!

Today it's Orison's birthday. He's 5 now.

I love you, Orison!

Every day we thank God for Grace and Orison and we pray for his mercy and love to grow in their lives as they grow.

Never thought about this before!

(You can find the beginning of our adoption story here.)

Part 14

Bonding. I don't think I'd given it a moment's thought with my other children. They were mine. I was theirs.

But now, our little girl was in another state. We couldn't see or touch her, much less HOLD her, until we'd satisfied the requirements of her state and ours for adoption. We were missing out on those precious first months of love and attachment.

I wasn't really anxious, but I was thinking about it--about her older years in particular. What if our daughter ever wondered who she really is and who she really belongs to?

What could I show her then that would say, "We have loved you from before we ever knew you. You are ours. We are yours. Even before you came into our family, we were longing for you and preparing for you.

At a handcraft boutique, I bought a cute wooden cabinet with 4 tiny drawers and a door--perfect for a girl's treasures.

That mostly-pink quilt top that I'd pieced but never finished because no boy would want it? I machine quilted and finished it for Talitha.

I made a simple brown cloth doll. And I made matching outfits for the doll and Talitha.

A piece of colorful material from my recent Asia trip, I made into a baby-sized comforter.

Arby's was having an annual special offer with purchase. They were clear glasses with dark blue stems. I ate a lot at Arby's those weeks and collected a set of a dozen to save for Talitha to have when she's older.

Even more important than her bonding with us would be her realization that God has known her and cared for her from long before she was even conceived. And so I spent hours over a hymnal choosing Talitha's hymn, the song she would hear more than any other as I rocked her and put her to bed and most any other time a mother might sing to her child throughout her life.

Children of the Heavenly Father reminds her that God is the Father who is all that a human parent can't be. We will die someday and leave her, but "God his children ne'er forsaketh."

Children of the heav’nly Father
Safely in His bosom gather;
Nestling bird nor star in Heaven
Such a refuge e’er was given.

God His own doth tend and nourish;
In His holy courts they flourish;
From all evil things He spares them;
In His mighty arms He bears them.

Neither life nor death shall ever
From the Lord His children sever;
Unto them His grace He showeth,
And their sorrows all He knoweth.

Praise the Lord in joyful numbers:

Your Protector never slumbers.

At the will of your Defender
Ev’ry foeman must surrender.

Though He giveth or He taketh,
God His children ne’er forsaketh;
His the loving purpose solely
To preserve them pure and holy.

(to be continued)

Part 15

Getting ready

(Go to the beginning of our adoption story)

Part 13

Getting ready and waiting for Talitha sent my mind in happy directions.

Driving past a playground that would have been "invisible" earlier: "I'll be sitting there again, watching."

Seeing a mother with her small child on a wrist leash: "I don't think I'll do that . . . but maybe."

Noticing a glider rocker at a store, I pictured it in the baby's room.

At a mall, I passed a mother followed by her daughter. They look so much alike, I thought. In 5 years I'll be the one with her daughter. No one will say how much we look alike, though. But maybe if people spend more time with us and see us in action, they might notice ways we're alike.

As eager as her new brothers were, there were some challenging moments for them. Twelve-year-old Barnabas was making room for his new sister by moving into the room with almost-15-year-old Abraham. He'd reminded me several times that we needed to patch the plaster and touch up the paint where poster putty had done some damage.

But when it came time to actually remove the cool life-sized athletes from the wall, the tears came. “Abraham won’t want my posters up in his room. There’s not enough room in there anyway. There’s nowhere for me to put my posters.”

“Never mind," I said, "we don’t have to do it right now." I put my arm around his shoulder and told him how much I appreciated his and Abraham's willingness to make changes for their new sister. I knew it wasn’t easy, but we’d try to make it work out happily.

So, Talitha's first decor was sports themed. Well, babies like big pictures of people, right? And there they were soaring over her crib.

(to be continued)

Part 14

Veterans Day

It is Veterans Day. It's hard to fathom the number of people who have served our country in military-related positions--people who have, under God, preserved the way of life we enjoy.

Abraham asked at his blog for suggestions of appropriate music for the day. I responded:

I can’t imagine a more stunning combination of battlefield and music than the scene at the end of the battle of Agincourt in Henry V.

“Let there be sung Non Nobis and Te Deum"--To God be all the Glory.

I give thanks to and for all who are serving and all who have served--and to God be all the Glory.

What does she look like?

(Orphan Sunday inspired me to think of our adoption story, which begins here.)

Part 12

When we agreed together that adopting was the way God was leading us, four things happened.

1. We called the friend who had "knocked on our door" on behalf of Talitha Ruth and said YES.

2. We began the mad rush to fulfill all the legal adoption requirements--home study, criminal record checks from all the places we've lived, and paperwork for both the state where she was born and for Minnesota, where we live. "Rush" because our daughter was waiting.

3. We told our children and the close friends who had been praying, but no one else yet. Not until the adoption was officially approved. (Although apparently Johnny taped a copy of the photo on his office door at church, creating a fair amount of curiosity.)

4. We received our first picture of Talitha.

Now, it really seemed real. SHE really seemed real. Every day I was more impatient to get my hands on her. Now that we'd said yes, but still had to wait on the legal wheels to turn, I felt as if I were missing out on a huge chunk of her life.

Memorable comment from our too-cool 14-year-old Abraham: "She'd be cute if she didn't have that thing on her head."

(to be continued)

Part 13

Qiu Ying & Wen Qing

(Part 3a of our adoption story)

Here's a little serendipity. I've been writing about digging out of chaos to make a new study for myself. And I've been telling the story of our adoption, which includes the story of Qiu Ying and Wen Qing.

Today in the process of putting boxes of photos into their new places in the new study, I found a photo of the 2 little Chinese girls.

I don't know any more where they are or how they are doing. But that doesn't keep us from praying for them, because God does know.

Qiu Ying (in blue), Wen Qing (in pink)

(part 4)

She is Talitha Ruth

(Orphan Sunday inspired me to think of our adoption story, which begins here.)

Part 11

Talitha Ruth -- You saw her name in the first sentence of my husband's sweet letter agreeing to adoption. We had already named our daughter even before we knew she would be ours.

As we'd waited for the births of our other children, we'd spent months considering names, thinking about meanings, about admirable people whose names we might use, about the sound of the names together. We wanted a child's name to have significance and to sound good when spoken.

As we thought and prayed together about whether to adopt, Johnny said one day, "If we were to adopt, what would we name her?" Pretty wise question to be asking, considering that we hadn't decided our last child's name until he was actually born--we'd needed every possible minute, and still were almost late.

He went on, "We still have four perfectly good girls' names we've never been able to use. Should we start by thinking of those?"

But this time, against custom, I said, "I think I already know her name." I wasn't sure what he'd think about a unilateral decision on such an important thing as a name.

For a couple of years, I'd often been going to sleep praying, maybe with tears, for a particular little girl that I hadn't met and maybe never would. I prayed that God would protect her, that he'd save her life. I prayed that maybe, perhaps, someday, he might let me know her.

At some point, I thought of the story of Jesus raising a little girl from the dead. He called her "Talitha." Mark 5:41 interprets the name as "little girl." In Aramaic, the language Jesus spoke, the word means "little she-lamb," and so it was a tender nickname for a little girl. "Little girl." That seemed like the right name to call the unknown child I was praying for.

Then later, I thought, "This little girl, this little Talitha," may be almost alone in the world. She needs to know the anchor of a family. Ruth was my mother-in-law, who had died in 1974. She is "Oma" to my children. In my prayers, "Ruth" was added to the little girl's name, honoring my mother-in-law whom I so much missed, and through her, honoring her son, my husband.

And so I said, "I think I already know her name, if it's okay with you. I've been praying for Talitha Ruth for a long time. If we decide together to adopt her, I think this is Talitha Ruth."

(to be continued)

Part 12

One of my favorite singers is in town

Marty Goetz

in concert at

Christ Presbyterian Church

Edina, Minnesota

free admission--love offering

Thursday, November 12

7:00 pm

Our friend, Paul Arneberg, does a great job of introducing Marty Goetz, in case you're not familiar with him already:

I first met my all-time favorite singer, Marty Goetz, in May 1993 when he was a guest and I was a performer on the SUNDAY NITE national radio variety show through Northwestern College Radio. I immediately loved his rich baritone voice, his fidelity to the Scriptures in his original music & lyrics, and his self-effacing, humble, and God-centered approach to commentary between songs. While backstage during that radio appearance by Marty in '93, one of my vocal performance mentors (Tim Sawyer) took note of Marty's ability to hold out long notes with perfect tone and said to me, "I have larynx envy."

Marty has a background in musical theatre, but his early "claim to fame" as an artist is that he was the accompanist for Debby Boone early in his walk with Christ.

Of most important significance to Marty's testimony and ministry, he is a Messianic Jew--a man raised in a thoroughly Jewish home in Cleveland, OH, but received Yeshua (Jesus) as Meschiach (Messiah) when he was a young adult. Due to Marty's love of the entire Scriptures (he often sings in Hebrew) with many Psalms set to music (and lots of emphasis on fulfilled Messianic prophecies), he has been described as "a modern-day psalmist" and "a modern-day David." He's even sung to thousands of Jews at a Christian evangelistic rally in Russia, personally witnessing more Jews receive Yeshua at one time anywhere in the world since the Book of Acts.

I organized two concerts for Marty at Bethlehem Baptist Church in 1994 & 1995, the latter time of which we had dinner together with John & Noel Piper.

This is short notice, but if any of you are free this Thursday, you will be blessed to see Marty in concert and be (re)introduced to his music! The concert is free, as Marty operates almost exclusively on a "love offering" basis.

The double-draw of this night is that the event is being sponsored by Good News For Israel, the oldest evangelical outreach to the Jewish people in North America. I listen to their radio show, "Faith Roots," nearly every day at 10:30 a.m. on AM 980 KKMS.

Glad to be grafted into the vine of Israel,
Paul Arneberg

The post you've been waiting for: Saying Yes to Adoption

(Orphan Sunday inspired me to think of our adoption story, which begins here.)

Part 10

Finally, I had to wait no longer. Johnny said yes, and wrote me a letter full of his thoughts on the matter. It is long, but you too have waited to hear this.

Dear Noël,

With confidence in the all-sufficient future grace of God, I am ready to move ahead with the adoption of Talitha Ruth. I want to thank you that during these years, when your heart has yearned to adopt a daughter, you have not badgered me or coerced me. You have been wonderfully patient. You have modeled faith in the sufficiency of prayer. You have always expressed support of me and my ministry even if we should never adopt. You have been reasonable in all our discussions and have come forth with your extensive rationale only when asked. You have honored my misgivings as worthy of serious consideration.

I realize more than ever that “the mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” I am persuaded that this decision to adopt honors God more than not adopting. To my perspective it seems to be the path that will “spread a passion for the supremacy of God in all things for the joy of all peoples.” I believe it is the path of the greatest love. And therefore I have confidence that God is pleased with it.

I choose it not under constraint or with any reservation of commitment. I relinquish every thought that, because you initiated this idea, you will bear blame for the pain it brings. As with our choice to have children in the first place and with our choice to go to Germany and our choice to leave Bethel and enter the pastorate there is a common and united commitment to all that God will be for us in this path, including any “frowning providence” that he plans to sanctify to us. I believe our eyes are open, though we have learned that the toothache expected and the toothache experienced are not the same. We have come through enough to believe that God’s future grace will be sufficient. His mercies are new every morning and there will be mercies for every weight and wonder on this new path of our lives.

I thank God for you. I enter with you gladly on this path. Whether we live to see our daughter grown or not, we will have done well to take her in. Life is very short, whether 12 hours, like Ashley Hope, or 50 years like me, or 76 years like my father, or 94 years like Crystal Anderson. What matters is not that we do all we might have done or all we dreamed of doing, but that while we live, we live by faith in future grace and walk in the path of love. The times are in God’s hands, not ours.

With this common conviction we will, God willing, embrace our new daughter and give ourselves, with all the might that God inspires in us, to love her into the kingdom. May the Lord establish the plans of our hearts, and bring Talitha Ruth, and her future husband, into deep and lasting fellowship with Christ. May she be an ebony brooch of beauty around your aging neck, and a crown of purity and joy on your graying head.

* * *

Here are the final factors as I saw them and how a I weighed them as I wrote to myself in my journal.

1. Most importantly, and without which I would not be considering this matter seriously, is Noël’s heart’s desire. She has expressed it as the closest thing to a calling that she has ever experienced. She expresses openness to not doing it, and I believe means it, though I know it would be a great loss and a kind of death that would be grieved over for some time. In fact, as I compare the death that I must die and the death that Noël must die if we go one way or the other, it seems to me that my death is 1) not as sure as her death; that is, it is not certain that I would be less productive in writing, nor that the pain of this choice would be disadvantageous to the ministry and the glory of the Lord; and 2) even if my death came to pass, it is not as deep as her death would be. This is the main issue for me -- how shall I love my wife. If I say yes to adoption, it is mainly a yes to my wife’s longings and her sense of calling -- a yes that I may never turn against her in any form of blame, but rather a yes that becomes my yes, since we are one flesh.

2. Another way to say this is that adopting a daughter would give Noël the same privilege I have enjoyed, namely, the privilege of raising a person in her own female likeness. It is a precious thing to bring up a child with a view to building your God-given vision of manhood or womanhood into the child. Noël has not been able to build all of herself into our sons, because they are growing up to be men and not women. There are dimensions of human personhood that are unique to womanhood which I believe Noël will flourish in nurturing in a daughter.

3. Adopting would be a way of pouring our lives -- our vision of God and life -- into a child in the hope and prayer that she would grow up to make a great contribution to the advancement of the kingdom of Christ -- to spread a passion for the supremacy of God in all things for the joy of all peoples. One of our reasons for having children back in the days when many were saying that world population did not warrant more than one or two kids, was that we would bring them up such that they would not be a drain on the world, but a blessing to the world. So it would be my prayer and effort in this case.

4. Adopting would model for the church and the world sacrificial risks of love, and faith in future grace. It would affirm and embrace sacrificial love above comfort and ease. It would declare that the latter years of life are not for coasting and ease.

5. It would actually cast us onto future grace in a way that would compel us to lay hold on God for more of himself that we would have otherwise known. There are other ways to do this. We could become missionaries to some hard place, for example, and thus cast ourselves on God more fully that way. But this is the way God seems to be leading Noël; and to know more of God’s sufficiency is a precious thing.

6. Adopting in this case would affirm and embrace racial reconciliation as an issue to be lived with and struggled with for the rest of our lives. It would write -- with blood, as it were -- the issue of racial reconciliation high on our life’s agenda.

7. In adopting a black child we would embrace and affirm the value of personhood in God’s image above racial distinctives. This is a crucial message for our day of cultural pride that may tend to minimize the utter uniqueness of humanity over against all other beings with a value as created in God’s image that is infinitely more important than any racial or cultural trait. We would be saying that being a human person is so indescribably important that it should take priority over race and culture in governing what is good for a child.

8. Adopting a child who has been painfully given up by her parents would be one clear way of obeying the Biblical call to care for the orphan: “This is pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father, to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world” (James 1:27). Job’s example is inspiring and compelling: “If I have kept the poor from their desire, or have caused the eyes of the widow to fail, or have eaten my morsel alone, and the orphan has not shared it (But from my youth he [the orphan] grew up with me as with a father, and from infancy I guided her [the widow]) . . . (Job 31:16-18). We are not all required to adopt those who have no parents, or who are cut off from their parents, but as a church body we are to take up this challenge. That means that in the body of Christ, God must be able and willing to burden members of the body with this specific way of doing what the Bible says is needed.

9. By adopting this child we would embrace and affirm the preciousness of life over against the death-dealing industry of abortion. Talitha’s birth mother chose against abortion. We choose to affirm that choice. By this we put our money and our time and our lives where our mouth is. There are other ways to be real and serious about fighting abortion. But here is one that is necessary and therefore some families must do it. To do it is a good and powerful thing.

10. We would grow in our understanding of human personhood in the image of God by rearing a female person and not just male persons. There are experiences of becoming a woman that are different from becoming a man. We will be the richer and wiser for experiencing these things first hand. My voice in the world of manhood/womanhood relationships will be more insightful, I think, if we raise a girl for the glory of God.

11. We would grow in our understanding of God’s adopting love, that draws the very different into his family. I am the beneficiary of adoption. It was a precious and merciful thing the Father has done for me, taking me into his family. It is the sort of thing he delights in. Surely the ancient Jewish Midrash on Esther 2:5 is right in saying, “Who is he then who at any time shows mercy? Say: it is he who brings up an orphan in his house” (TDNT, Vol. 5, p. 488).

12. I am hopeful that my longing for being more fruitful in evangelism would be fulfilled in part by this adoption, in that it would open conversations with unbelievers, and would perhaps give us a voice of authenticity in circles of unbelievers that we would not otherwise have dealings with.

13. Noël’s ministry of writing and speaking would be enriched by this adoption because, as with mine, there would be a radical edge to it that mere, ordinary middle-aging would not have. Addressing issues of parenting, racial reconciliation, abortion, etc. would have a cutting edge quality and authenticity.

On the other side of the coin there are concerns:

1. I will probably not have as much freedom for study and writing and speaking and other forms of ministry, if we commit ourselves to parenting the young for the next 20 years.

2. There will be more emotional strain in our lives and greater burdens because love brings pain with every new person loved deeply, as each struggles with sickness and sin and Satan and danger -- both parent and child. This would be compounded by the fact that a black child will face unusual crises of self-identity, and in her crucial years our energy may be less as we move through our sixties than it is now .

3. There will be more stress and strain in the attitudes of other people that we would have to deal with because the child is black. Family and others may be disapproving and withdrawn.

4. There will be more financial stress.

Conclusion:

As I look at these two lists I cannot escape the conclusion that the potential for good in the “pro” list far outweighs the potential for ill in the “con” list. The cons are all pain and pressure issues, not issues of negative moral effects or sin. But the pros are mainly potentials of moral and spiritual good.

That my ministry of writing and study could be impeded could be seen as the hindrance of a morally and spiritually good thing. But that is very iffy. Jonathan Edwards had eleven children. His last seven years in the woods of Connecticut were his most productive, and he had children at that point in his life who were very small, not to mention that fact that when he was 47 he was removed from his pastorate and accepted a ministry among the Indians in a remote forest village.

Manifestly, productivity hangs far more on the wonderful and inscrutable providences of God and on the energizing work of the Holy Spirit and the pointedness of vision, than it does on our family circumstances. The Lord could end my productivity without children in one flick of his finger. And with adopted children, he could double it. May the Lord do what seems good to him.

(NOW the adoption story begins: to be continued)

Part 11

Orphan Sunday: How will life be better if we adopt?

(Orphan Sunday has inspired me to think of our adoption story, which begins here.)

Part 9

Johnny writes papers when he wants to explain his view or make a point. So during the days we were deciding whether to adopt, I tried to speak to him in his own language. I wrote what I hoped would be a persuasive paper.

Johnny,

I want to assure you that, in no way, do I think our ministry will be crippled if we go on as we are. It is rich. But I do believe that by adopting a daugher, God will add richness and depth and understanding and credibility in many areas of our personal and public lives.

Random Thoughts

• In general, I expect that having 1 child at home will seem very easy after all our years of 1, 2, 3, 4, 3, 2, etc.
  
  
• Having a young aunt here will be extra fun for the grandchildren that will start to visit, maybe before many years.
  
  
• Having a child again at this stage in our life will keep us from moving as quickly into older stages. It will shove us back a generation.

Pro-Life Ministry

• The very act of adopting is a renewal and revitalization of our efforts against abortion and for life -- in a very new and powerful way.
  
  
• Adopting would add tremendous credibility, and confirm our seriousness in the effort for life.
  
  
• A person who is as vocal and visible as you about life will be very visible as a supporter of mothers, as a protector of children who would otherwise be unwanted and perhaps in danger, as living out the implications and responsibilities that follow in the wake of stopping an abortion.
  
  
• You have a powerful voice. Even if your writing/speaking isn’t directly about Life and adoption, it will be there, because what’s happening in your life IS there in your writing. And you will be an influence to many for the good of children who need homes.

Racial Reconciliation

• Our efforts toward racial reconciliation would have tangible credibility.
  
  
• We would have personal experience with family-level racial diversity.
  
  
• We would open ourselves to personal experience of how an African-American person and a mixed-race family is treated differently from the way to which we are accustomed.

Biblical Masculinity and Femininity

• You will gain new understanding and clarity when your Biblical understanding is applied to the life of a daughter. I expect you to have strong confirmation of what you’ve understood and taught all along.
  
  
• It will be a good thing for your promotion of these Biblical truths to actually experience and learn how to raise a girl to be a godly woman in a society that expects something else.
  
  
• Maybe there are practicalities that you haven’t even thought of, that you would see when raising a daughter, and these things would expand your understanding and teaching.
  
  
• Your speaking and writing and persuasion in this area will have new credibility, when you have a daughter.

Evangelism and Missions

• To add another child to our family becomes the most personal kind of evangelism toward adding members to the Kingdom.
  
  
• And considering our attitude toward missions, it may also be mission recruitment for the sake of the Kingdom!

Your Writing and Speaking Ministry

• Your public ministry will be deeper and richer because we know that everything God puts into our lives comes through into your writing and speaking as a clearer, more pointed explanation of God and his ways.
  
• We know there are angles of God’s face and aspects of his personality to be discovered in new situations he puts us into. We will experience more of God as we live with a daughter. And that deeper experience of God will make your public ministry so much richer.
  
  
• For instance, if we adopted a child, and raised her, we would understand God’s adoption in a much fuller way -- what it means to adopt a person who is not part of your family and make that person fully a partaker and inheritor of your own life and family.

Being Radical and Taking Risks

• I think it would not be fair to quote yourself to you to try to make a point. But I must say that very often over the years you have made statements about taking risks and trusting God and doing unexpected and radical things -- and I often hear those statements in the light of the radical thing I want to do, and therefore want you to do with me.
  
  
• To adopt -- at our age and when it would certainly not be expected of us and when it is not financially easy and when it might make other ministries more difficult -- would be more than a token. It would say that you are serious about radical faith.
  

(to be continued)

Orphan Sunday: Ways every Christian can care

Hope for Orphans is a ministry of FamilyLife, "serving every church to reach every orphan."

Their website may be the best place to visit if you:

• wonder what the problem is anyway
• wonder how to help
• wonder whether your family should adopt
• wonder how to get started toward adoption

They have provided a gold mine of information for the person or church that wants to care, at whatever level, for orphans. Please spend some time exploring the site and having your heart and mind opened.

There's even a section for kids where they can hear stories about what it's like not having parents, and where they can get ideas how they can care for orphans and waiting children.

This flyer is being handed out to worshipers at Bethlehem Baptist this weekend: 10 Ways Every Christian can Care for the Orphan and Waiting Child.